What should have been an opportunity to connect in the middle of our busy week to laugh and unwind together and simply enjoy being in each other’s company (at least that was the expectation in my head of what a dating couple might do), soon spiraled into another verbal assault (it was always words, never physical violence). Once again I found myself on trial. While I don’t remember the exact words or actions that sparked it that particular evening. It had become an ongoing battle that would flair up at any time. What has been deeply etched into memory is the moment of perspective as I sat on top of the wall.
When I could no longer handle any more flaming darts, I took shelter in the bathroom. I remember sitting on the cold bathroom floor, my head on my knees (at this point soaked by my tears). I’m not sure of how much time passed with me sitting there. I hoped for an apology or at the very least a check-in considering how very upset I was. But there was no apology. Instead, I heard him walk past the closed bathroom door and head to bed. Reality kicked in. I could not sit on that cold bathroom floor the whole night. I needed to get home. I sat there a little longer, trying desperately to clear my head and work out what to do next. He had moved into a newly built complex surrounded by high boundary walls accessible by electronic gate which could only be opened by remote. On arriving that evening, I had parked my car in the street (not something I usually do) – which was now on the other side of that high wall and large steel gate.
Staying put was not an option. I quietly opened the bathroom door. The bedroom door was closed so I walked down the stairs as quickly (and as quietly) as I could, grabbed my bag and car keys and headed out the front door. He had not locked it so getting out of the house was easy. I made my way to the gate, hoping beyond all reasonable hope that someone would be arriving home at that very moment so I could just slip out. Needless to say, no one came or left. As I paced anxiously trying to work out what to do next, I noticed a pile of building rubble in the corner. I scrambled on top of this unsteady pile getting just high enough to pull myself up onto the top of the wall. I sat on the wall and swung my legs over. I could see my car but I still had to jump off the wall. I was not some super fit, super strong, super athletic type that thrived on physical challenge or parkour. My fitness routine at the time was random at best. And I can practically guarantee I was not appropriately dressed to ‘scale’ a wall.
What a moment of perspective! Sitting on top of that wall, adrenaline pumping through my body and my head trying to work out how on earth I had managed to get myself into this mess. This is not what I signed up for. How I did not attract any attention that evening I have no idea! All I can think is that it was that late, no one was awake, everyone was already at home. I landed on the grassy verge below, (thank goodness for a soft landing zone), making it into my car just as he ran out of the gate stepping in front of my car to stop me driving off (seemingly concerned). I made it home that night, shaken up by the events of the evening and the growing belief that every mistake I ever made (and even some I didn’t make) would never be forgotten and never be forgiven and would ultimately label me undeserving of love. While I escape over the wall that night, I was not yet free. It would take a few more months for that to happen. The memory of that moment of perspective still returns on occasion reminding me of what love is not.
The truth is that every one of us makes mistakes and every one of us falls short of the expectations of those we love and who love us. But it doesn’t make us unlovable or undeserving of love. It doesn’t wipe away our worth and value. And it most certainly does not give anyone else (ourselves included) the permission to use these mistakes to control, judge, break down and destroy who we were created to be. When we look at ourselves or others through a filter of judgement, only the flaws are highlighted.
Tool: God’s perspective, when we choose to accept it for our lives, filters out the sin, removing it not only from view but also removing its hold on our lives. Accepting God’s gift of salvation is like fitting our lives with His filters that protect, correct, intensify and enhance light in our lives. Without those filters, our hearts and minds are exposed and left unprotected and subject to judgement.
Thank you Lord that no matter where we find ourselves right now, your perspective outweighs all others. Your love and your grace are more than sufficient, filtering out judgement and filtering out our sin. Help us Lord to keep your filters firmly in place so that when we look at ourselves and others, we see through your eyes releasing ourselves and others from struggling against impossible standards. Amen
Perspective is a beautiful gift ❤